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My Amazing Partner: Another apology for ruining our first kiss

By: Tobey Tozier*/Trans Headlines

“If you’re going to kiss me, you should probably just do it,” I blurted, as you and I stood nervously in the parking lot behind our college. I’ve never been graceful with words when I’m anxious. We were about to walk back to our dorms after sitting on a park bench together for hours, sharing our life stories. I was enamored. I had never met anyone I could talk to so easily, or feel comfortable sitting in silence with. 

My knees shook from my nerves and the cold early Spring air, as I blurted out what I had been wanting to say for hours. You leaned in and kissed me gently. At that moment, I had already convinced myself that this wasn’t my “coming out” kiss. This wasn’t a pivotal moment. I definitely wasn’t gay. 

As we pulled away, I took a deep breath and exclaimed, “I’m so relieved.” 

This kiss didn’t mean anything. 

We walked back to our dorms as friends, chatting nonchalantly about our weekend plans and the stillness of the campus at 2 a.m. As I laid in bed, restlessly replaying the night over and over in my head, I realized that I hadn’t fully convinced myself that your kiss didn’t mean anything. This was pivotal. And shoot–I was definitely gay. 

We started dating shortly after (and no, you still haven’t forgiven me for ruining what would have been the most romantic first kiss in an empty parking lot at 2 a.m.), but I was still scared. This was all new to me and meant I had to open myself up and be vulnerable in ways I never had been before. I said a lot of things I didn’t mean to avoid admitting to you and to myself that I was falling in love.

After all these years, you’re still putting up with my stumbling words and panic-driven uncertainty. You’re still my rock. I “came out” as trans six years ago, and you showed up to my doctor’s appointment, eager to learn how to give me my testosterone shots. You gave me a happy birthday “boyfriend” card and my first electric razor. You held on tight as I told my second “coming out” story and you picked up all the pieces when the world fell apart around me.

None of this has been easy for you, and sometimes I worry that I’ve asked you for too much. We’re about to celebrate our nine-year anniversary, and it’s about time that I said thank you. Thank you for loving me through it all. Thank you for staying up until late on that early Spring night, shivering on a park bench and listening to my nonsense while I mustered up the courage to tell you to kiss me.

Thank you–for loving me through it all. 

___

*Tobey Tozier is a transgender designer and founder of Transcapsule, a transgender transition tracking app. He lives in Maine with his spouse, Mal, their two cats, and a senior beagle named Tuesday. Tobey has made it his life’s mission to help other people who are transgender live happier, more positive lives.